Im having a tough year so far. I live in hope that it improves. There have been a number of canon-shot body blows personally and in ministry. Sometimes I struggle to put this all together. I believe this has helped me learn that my own priestly arrogance can isolate myself as priest from the struggles of others and even from myself. I have learned a lot and thank all those involved – even if I wouldn’t immediately thank you by instinct… Instinct sometimes lets you down.
Before you think this is a pity party, I want to write abut the two movements that have saved me from becoming a lunatic and institutionalized.
Firstly, prayer. For the last 18months, I’ve made an effort to have tea with the Lord every morning. I read somewhere that this was a holy hour by choice. It is not easy – I am not a morning person and the Lord gets the raw, naked me… Pre coffee. Not pretty.
I have learned again to listen. I’ve also learned that Our Lord is a listener, but not a quick responder. Hmm. I wish I could learn from that. I suppose I have. Hence today’s title – trust still. Some of the issues that I have been through this year only make sense in prayer… And will only see resolution in the Lord’s time. I don’t like the idea of not having a quick resolution, but my faith means that it is not in my time.
I think that prayer is companionship – being able to be in the raw with God and allowing God to be raw with you. I have cried, shouted and laughed aloud in prayer, not just contemplation but in friendship. Prayer has become a lifeline.
Yesterday, some friends noticed that the struggle has become tough to mask. This is the second crutch that I have used, not masks, but friends. If they notice, I must admit I cannot hide this struggle anymore.
Friends come in different levels. Some like explosions -sound heat light quick gone. Some like a slow steady burn that warms gently and might not be a bright light, but a steady light. Gentle presence.
It is this slow steady friendship that marks God’s touch in our live, the touch through trust, presence and simple angel-touches like hearing a piece of music and tying it to your prayer.
I live in hope, I live in simple trust that the struggle is not to be avoided but to be embraced with the knowledge of companionship.